remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
