if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
