the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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