I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
