anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
