Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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