took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
