I cannot find my penis.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
