What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
