I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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