just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
