dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
