By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
