I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's just like the Real World with babies
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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