is your mom at the bar?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
