My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
