It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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