I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
