Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
