You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
