I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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