you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's blow job season.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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