An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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