A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
