I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
