He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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