I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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