I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
