This is not my ceiling
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
