all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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