ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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