these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You took a bar mat shot.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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