I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
