Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
In America we eat man semen.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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