don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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