In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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