Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
