you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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