i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
