I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
