I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
