this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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