Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It was confusing and full of hummus
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have already put on my inside pants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
