one word: firstdatebathroomanal
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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