Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
