We named our party play list daddy issues
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
