My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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