this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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