so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
