I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
