i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
