That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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